Frustrations

Is it wrong to choose to do something simply because of what might be. Knowing that I will be very, very upset with myself if it succeeds and I were not there to be a part of it? I don't believe so. I believe we all do things because of the possible end result. So that is what I am doing.

Someone's facebook status was "None of us die virgins because life fucks us all." How true.

Now, in all honestly, to begin with I had my doubts. Given my prior experience with the project albeit on a much smaller scale, my initial conclusion was that something like this simply will not succeed. Perhaps with a lot of help it might eventually inch over the finish line but with present circumstances, not a chance in hell.

Yet I chose to push it, I chose to go through with it despite an annoying amount of resistance from a certain party. I doubt I have actually overcome the resistance but in my head its all about at the end of the day, I'll be disappointed if I don't get to do it, someone else will never fully be able to understand those feelings.

I chose to give it a go. I'm still not entirely sure why especially since further involvement revealed just how impossible it would prove to be. Having seen the effort required to produce something of such magnitude, even I am not convinced, no wonder I couldn't overcome the resistance, most of it was trying to convince myself.

Now, as I feared, the visionaries of this project have come to realise the big, gaping holes in their dream. I say their's because to me it still remains a shot in the dark. Pitch dark. Said holes are large enough that they've actually looked into down-sizing the dream. It includes omission of the very reason I said "Yes." to begin with.

A part of me thinks I've been right on two counts so far, not in a good way, which means to a certain extent my experience with prior projects is not too far off from what is about to happen here.

Another part thinks I should just give it a shot because when you're working with different people who run on different fuel, more often than not the result is completely different.

Either way the "What if...?" fire still burns very strongly.

Which brings me to my frustration. Why do I feel such a strong desire to jump head-first into something that "sounds like it might be fun"? It is both a blessing and a curse because when it doesn't work out I usually end up disappointing some people who are pretty important to me and it hurts because I walk away with all this experience and fun but other people fail to see that, all they see is, essentially, failure.

Then, if it does fail, putting aside the feelings of others, I will be quite disappointed in myself because it is time that could have and SHOULD have been better spent and at this age I should have a certain amount of sense that allows me to determine what does and does not deserve my attentions.

Yes, I am plenty frustrated with myself at the moment because I haven't a clue how to proceed from here.

Do I offer help at the expense of more time so that it will  be wisely invested time or do I watch it tip the scales in either direction?