Passion

We were not exactly very good at it. In fact this was the one event that gave us every opportunity to fall flat on our faces and more often than not we took it. I'm not sure why, but somehow we never really held our own. It is, however, the one thing that I have clung on to for dear life because it taught me the meaning of passion.

Passion is pure joy pulsing through your blood vessels but strangely at the same time, this intense desire to do better, to be better, which sometimes turned the joy into, I suppose, self-hatred or pity for not pushing yourself hard enough. But it's always right there, this strong desire to pour every iota of energy into this one activity and the best part is you're there with about a hundred other people doing exactly the same thing. When that comes together you get this rush, this high, from having accomplished something whole-heartedly.

You know the best thing about the stage? I thought I'd be really nervous about seeing a huge crowd, a crowd that expected a certain standard. But the stage is equipped with flood lights that effectively mask every single face in that crowd. So what you get is energy. Just energy, from the people standing next to you, from the people watching you, from yourself. It's fantastic, because energy is what you make of it, you can't destroy it so it grows and it grows and it consumes you and you just keep going because it is, quite simply, magic.

I miss that magic.

I know I spent four years pouring my heart into it but it wasn't enough. This is the first time I have ever been studying without it. It is strange and sad. I've begun to realise just how much I thrived on that emotion which wasn't always happiness, in fact was mostly frustration and disappointment towards the end but it gave me something that I know for sure now was an essential part of me.

I miss having pure, unadulterated passion in my life.

I know that I will find a way to bring it into my life again and I know that whatever I do from here on out will have to be something I feel EVERYTHING for.

There have been times when I've been berated for having such a desire. When things have to be done, you get them done whether or not you want to. I don't know why, I don't know which part of my brain is turned off but I cannot do something that I do not care about, I cannot do something that I do not love. I thrive on strong emotion.

I can already tell it is going to be detrimental in a lot of ways but then I remember how I felt at that moment on stage singing words I did not even understand and I know it is downright stupid to not allow myself to feel that every single day of my life.